"not really gay" woman - The Lesbian Question

Lesbian sleeping with ?not really gay? woman

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I am a lesbian, 43 and I am in love with a woman who describes herself as ?not really gay?. We have known each other for ten years. We have a strong emotional and spiritual bond. She has had heterosexual relationships most of her life: three long and intense sexual relationships with men.
She had her first lesbian encounter when she was 62 and it was with me, when I was 37. She has three daughters around my age. That summer, she abruptly ended the sex, leaving me feeling bereft, citing the age gap and not wanting to be in a relationship with me as she does not like the idea of being ?gay? or wanting to open up to a woman. She says her body tells her it is wrong for her. Yet, quite unexpectedly, when we were on holiday last summer, she woke me out of bed and asked if I would like to come into her bed for a cuddle. Well, sex was on offer and I fancy her so I jumped into her bed. So our friendship has remained ambiguous. Since then, we have slept together a few other times. She still has an issue about being in a gay relationship: she feels it is not natural to her. Everytime we have sex, she wakes up feeling depressed, saying that being with a woman is wrong for her and is not what she really wants and she says she can?t acknowledge me as her lover. And yet she keeps coming back. We keep being drawn to each other. We do not want to lose this. How to resist the sex that we want so strongly when it happens, but which makes us both miserable afterwards ? because she feels it is wrong for her and withdraws, making me feel sad. She thinks it?s a disaster: she wants me sometimes but it depresses her and it depresses me in turn. Does this sound hopeless?

Source: http://www.thelesbianquestion.com/2013/07/13/lesbian-sleeping-with-not-really-gay-woman/

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